Thanksguilting

I went out to the barnyard to chat with the bird.

“Good morning,” I said, “you’ve probably heard

that you’ll be the star of our Thanksgiving meal

and it pains me to think that you got a raw deal.

I mean, why always turkey? Must we continue

to blindly adhere to the Mayflower’s menu?

Would you be excused from this fowlest of fests

if salmon had drumsticks? If tofu had breasts?

Yet every November it’s always the same

because some musketeer went looking for game

and the deer were too fast and the rabbits too lucky

and the pigeons too small and the weasels too yucky.

But your poor relation was ripe for the pickin’

— flightless and fat like like a supersized chicken.

 

“That’s how it happened, a pure twist of fate

and your grandpa wound up on my ancestor’s plate.

Still I wonder sometimes — would this day be less merry

if he’d passed by the Tom and shot Dick or Harry?

I’m sure in a bird’s eye this all must seem vicious.

You can’t help descending from something delicious

so I guess what I’m asking is — is it OK

to partake of your goodness on Thanksgiving day?

I’m seeking your guidance, just give me a clue —

to eat or eat not, I’ll leave it to you.

I’ll find something else, I’m really not picky

(I’d miss your white meat but your giblets are icky)

and I don’t want the guilt when I sit down to dine

so you make the decision — just give me a sign.”

To you, my dear readers, this must sound absurd,

me asking permission from some stupid bird.

But what happened next just might shake that belief —

see, I did get an answer, and though it was brief

I know now for certain that turkeys can speak

for, at that very moment, he opened his beak,

he opened it wide and he winked an eyelid…

“Gobble,” he told me. So that’s what I did.

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Bully Sighting

I just wanted to send out an alert to all brains, geeks and nerds in the vicinity of Dolley Madison Middle School. There is a confirmed bully sighting near the soccer field bleachers. I repeat — CONFIRMED SIGHTING! Evasive maneuvers advised. Remember, bullies often hunt in packs so let’s be careful out there. Use the buddy system–push your buddy into their path as an obstacle. If you’re lucky, it will buy you the time you need to stuff yourself safely inside your locker. 

This is not a drill, people. Leave early, take alternate routes and, if all else fails, toss your lunch money in the air as a diversion. Like I always say, it’s better to arrive tardy than not to arrive at all! 

Words that Stop Traffic

I am The Saurus, guardian of words. Today’s word is “Ninja.”

Chris Pirillo at lockergnome.com snapped this photo and, he assures us, “gave him money.” I’m glad–who doesn’t need karate lessons?–but there’s another reason Chris’s generosity makes me happy. It proves a point–the right words drive people to your business. In this case, the business is holding a homemade, cardboard sign. But, to his credit, at least this entrepreneur is doing it profitably.

So the next time you’re wondering whether that ad agency is worth the cost of the creative, think about this guy. Had his father been killed by something less Hollywood-worthy than ninjas (for example, intestinal parasites), would it have worth contributing to his revenge fund?

 

Do words really matter?

I am The Saurus, guardian of words. Today’s word is “Obsolescence.”

Words are my life and my livelihood. So you can understand why I feel personally threatened when someone goes out of their way to show that language is unnecessary. Worse, their assault is kind of catchy. Curse you, lazy lyricists! When I stop singing along, you are going to get such an angry letter….